Avoid Fighting In Marriage

in Point

Has anyone who feels like always fighting with his/her spouse? The reasons may be his/her spouse NEVER listens and forgets a REAL conversation. There are many fights that occur in a marriage, but most of them have a common root. That is respect. So we either...

 

Most people feel like their spouse doesn't really listen to them anymore. When you don't feel like some one's listening to you, you either...

 

a) SAY IT LOUDER, SO YOU CAN BE HEARD! or


b) quit talking, because what's the point.

 

If you are at a point in your marriage where shouting matches, strained silences and sarcastic replies are the norm, you understand. This is not how you envisioned marriage. This is not what you signed up for. You wanted a helpmate, a supporter in all things, a constant cheering section. you envisioned eternal bliss, and this ain't it!

 

Welcome to the real world,bub! Now don't despair. I'm not saying that this is how it has to stay. You can change this ugly cycle. This is not an uncommon thing. Any two people who are in close proximity to each other, are gonna grate on each other sometimes. THAT is a FACT! But it doesn't have to lead to "total drama island". Whether it's a spouse,a parent, a child or a co worker, if they feel belittled or ignored by you, they will react.

 

Either they will get louder and more naggy( or whiny) to regain your attention or they will retreat from you. What is the point of talking to someone who is watching the tv over your shoulder( or who expects one word responses so your not wasting their time). I actually know a couple where the husband expects his wife to phrase her questions to him as yes/ no questions, so he can respond with one syllable. He won't ever acknowledge her question if she asks it wrong. He just lifts an eyebrow then walks away. Now, wouldn't that just make ya want to share your deepest thoughts and desires? NOT.

 

I know of another couple where the husband is constantly belittling his wife and kids. He picks apart everything that they do. His children won't show him their homework. Even though they get great grades, Dad always finds something wrong. Wife has reached a point where she won't even ask for his help with anything. If she asks for help, he either criticizes because she waited too long to do the task, she's wimpy, it's just a waste of his time, or she did her part wrong. They only do activities that Dad chooses. No one else will state what they want to do, because if Dad doesn't like it he either won't participate, then be mad because they did it without him... OR he will participate, and make everyone miserable picking it apart. So it's Dad's choice or nothing.

 

I know yet another couple whose relationship is in ruins because of Dad's sarcasm and criticism of everything. He would demean Mom to the point of tears daily. He has a dry sarcastic wit that she loved, before he turned it on her. She would retreat from him emotionally, and he would just pick and pick. He was relentless and merciless in this. Now he is really a nice guy, and this is not a behavior you would expect from him. And he was good. He could bury a dig at her into the most inane conversation. And took pleasure in jabbing her in public where she couldn't retaliate. She just continued to retreat, and he continued to gouge her. I know them both. I know that what spurred this action in him was a deep loneliness. He felt so isolated because his wife was so distant. Jabbing at her was the only reaction he could get, so he took it. He told me over and over that their marriage would be better if she would just talk to him. I tried to explain to him that she was too closed down at this point, to talk to him. She expected nothing from him but sarcasm and meanness. She saw him be nice to others, and even the dog, but he just would not restrain his digs toward her. The conclusion she drew was that even the dog ranked higher than she did with him. How can someone who loves you tell you in a hundred different ways, how stupid and worthless you are. They can't. So obviously he doesn't love her,right?! WRONG! He really did love her, but his pride and his need to shine a light on her every mistake was more important to him than his family. Sometimes you have to decide whether you want to be in a happy family or alone and right.

 

Now I'm not just picking on the guys. You can switch the he/she in all of these stories. But the point is the same. If your partner does not feel loved...and respected, then they can't open up to you. Would you share your secret passion for the opera, with the guys on the bowling team? Why? Because they would laugh you out of the alley and mock you forever. So why would she trust you with something that she holds precious, when she knows that you will mock her and ruin it for her. She won't.

 

This is not being whipped. This is being courteous. It's something you do with your boss, or total strangers at a party. If some little bald man told you he frequents nude beaches, you would say "That's nice, that would cut down on tan lines". Because it's polite conversation. But if your wife says"We met up Wednesday for supper with Julie" You feel compelled to correct her, because it was actually Tuesday. Really? Does it matter? Will it affect the outcome of the story? Must you show your superior recall at this moment? Is your being right worth belittling your wife, and interrupting her? NO!

 

Smile...think about how great she looks out of that dress... and keep your mouth shut. If we would all learn to cut each other some slack, life would be so much easier. Remember all the wonderful things about your spouse. How they have stuck with you. Washed your shorts( with dirt tracks) for years. Held your hand, at funerals. Held your children, and loved them above all else. Then weigh all that against the petty gripe that you are stewing over. So your favorite shirt shrank. Or your address book got washed. or the kid spilled kool aid on your presentation. Welcome to real life bub! It's crazy. It's fun. It's nerve wracking. And it's yours!! Relax...and embrace it... and smile! Who else will put up with you and all YOUR weirdness?

 

Author Box
Enid Neel has 1 articles online

My name is Enid. As a wife, mother, sister and member of the human race(or rat race) I have come in contact with many marriage killers. I hope to share the pitfalls I've found, so that you can avoid them. Life is so much better when you go around obstacles,not thru them! Some of these things are so easy. Some are the hardest job you'll ever do...but your family is worth the effort. If you want to read more articles that will improve your marriage, check out my blog real marriage manual.com Thanks for reading!

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Avoid Fighting In Marriage

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This article was published on 2010/07/13